A love song for no one.. [edited/]

I DIDNT KNOW I WAS LOOKING FOR LOVE-Everything but girl

I was alone thinking I was just fine
I wasn’t looking for anyone to be mine
I thought love was just a fabrication
A train that wouldn’t stop at my station

Home alone, that was my consignment
Solitary confinement
So when we met I was gettin around you
I didn’t know I was looking for love until I found you…

I didn’t know I was looking for love until I found you, honey
I didn’t know I was looking for love until I found you, baby, oh no
I didn’t know I was looking for love
I didn’t know I was looking for love

Coz there you stood and I would
Oh I wonder could I say how I felt and not be misunderstood
A thousand stars came into my system
I never knew how much I had missed them
Slap on the map of my heart you landed
I was coy but you made me candid
And now the planets circle around you
I didn’t know I was looking for love until I found you…

I didn’t know I was looking for love until I found you, baby
I didn’t know I was looking for love until I found you, baby
I didn’t know I was looking for love
I didn’t know I was looking for love

So we build from here with love as the foundation
In a world of tears won consolation
And now you’re here there’s a full brass band
Playin’ in me like a wonderland
And if you left I would be two-foot small
And every tear would be a waterfall
Soundless, boundless I surround you
I didn’t know I was looking for love until I found you
I just didn’t know

Didn’t know I was looking for love until I found you..
Love…love…

I just didn’t know…
love…love…

Until I found you

Didn’t know I was looking for love…
Love…love..
Until I found you…

Lapis

Again, I found myself holding my pencil and drawing, I call her, Isabelle. Pretty eh? I drew her after I fill out a short bio together with my 5 filipino poem. When I found out that LIRA will have a poetry workshop this coming June and July, I knew that I couldn't let this opportunity slip my hands. I couldnt let the chance to become as good as Kuya Kiko and others as writing poems is concerned. That's why I've decided to join the workshop that will be held at UP-Diliman.

The picture I sent in my bio.. =)  But I cut it and resize it to 1×1

     Do you ever have the feeling that you want something or someone, but you know you just can't have him/her? Ever stuck between keeping or telling someone about your feelings? Ever wanted to feel you belong in a world where people loves to discriminate and look at your status quo? Well. I dont feel that way.lol I just read it somewhere across my mind. 

      I've been thinking a lot for a quite some time now, and I feel like I'm ready to love again, but somethings holding me back, I fear that things wont work out, because of me being fickle-minded. Coz you know, sometimes I feel I love someone, but then. When communication runs out or as time pass I always realize that there's nothing more I can offer to a person but friendship. And Im good at being one.

      But this one's different. I may not figure it out for now, but I know I will. =) right now, get it while its hot as they say.. Savor the kilig moments while it last.. Habang nararamdaman ko pa. Pero ayoko syang umasa ng sobra sakin.. Im really glad di siya marunong magtagalog..  Hindi pa ko handa sa kung ano mang seryoso.

      Im still young and there's a lot of things for me to discover out there. I feel like Im just starting. Reminds me of the freshman feeling. Here I come Ateneo!!! *big smile*

wiggle.

I would try to make this simple, short and less complicated. No more long, hanging words and I will stop beating around the bush. But before I start telling you about myself, I must warn you to brace yourself and hold on to your seats, or mouse or your computer coz this is gonna be a wild river ride.

Welcome to my page.

Alright, I introduce myself to you guys. I am Mary Edeza de Leon and please remind me that you saw my full name here at my blog in case I asked you "How'd you know my name?"haha.

I am an artist by heart and I probably dont take up BFA Creative Writing and expect to have a great paycheck someday but I am sure that each and every work of my hands has a piece of my heart and I am completely happy and contented with it. So by now, Im sure you think I only have a tiny piece of heart left but no, I never run out of heart when it comes to my work. I made that sure.

Some people say Im boring, because I spend most of my time reading and writing or drawing or dancing(joke) or blogging or any activity that doesnt require companion. But Im not anti social, I love being around with people I love. Or even the people I dont know, you know in the malls. Still, if I can do things on my own I'd go alone.

My solitude brings out the best in me, people may not or never understand that but thats how it goes. Thats how my life goes. I may never get to have a boyfriend anytime in the future but who cares? Im not bothered, so why would them? It's really funny when people ask me if I have a boyfriend and I would answer them with a "Nah, I dont have a boyfriend." They'd be shocked like Oh my gosh! How come? and I was like Oh my gosh!!(in a much exagerrated voice) why is that a crime?

Dont I have the right to choose not to have a boyfriend. And does that issue important enough to be noticed? I mean, what does it had to do with them? "You have the looks and the body, so how come?" Exactly, I have the beauty and the body(Im not boasting) but hey, I also have the brains!! How come some people dont notice that? That make me sick.

I want to be loved because of my personality and not because of my looks. I want to be loved in the morning not just at night. Not just when I look pretty but even when I look wasted. But nah, it isnt important right now anyway. I will meet my man in the future, I bet He's great coz God chose him for me.

My family, is my first priority. Nothing and no one can change that. We've been through a lot, we made each other strong and I, personally get my strength from them. They are my inspiration and motivation. My love for them compensate my parents shortcomings and I will always be proud of them. Time will come and all these trials will end. And we will still be together, even when Im not at home.

 I said on the first paragraph that I'll stop beating around the bush, but I just cant go straight to the point thats my problem. I love making love with my words. It causes me a lot of trouble specially with ex-boyfriends..

This is it for now. Know more of me next time. 

My Spiritual Family :)

Kuya Japhet. Me. Mareng Eva.

Me and Mareng Eva

Mareng Eva and me ulit pacute

Ate Malou. Carlito. Ako.

Sam. Ate Sol. Me. Carlito. Ate Malou

Me. Ate Grace.

Kuya Renz, annointed speaker. Ate malou.

Me, kuya Nol!:) And mareng eva. Mare and I love kuya Nol so much. God is revealing His plans to us sometimes through Kuya Nol, our youth Pastor. Our motivator and adviser.

hayy… Mahal na mahal ko talaga sila.. Parang tunay na pamilya, sobrang fun nila kasama. Makes me reminded of God's plan and will for me. Kaya gusto ko laging linggo eh. Bukod sa nakakasama ko yung biological Family ko pati sila nakaka-fellowship ko. We get strength from each other.

Kaya naman wag ng magtaka ang iba kung bakit ala akong fafaness kasi, kumpleto na ang buhay ko dahil sa kanilang lahat. Kumpleto pero di perpekto. Im satisfied and contented. At least for now.hehe.. tama lang kasi bata pa naman ako.. Sana bukas linggo ulit!hehe..

Book Sale

Im a bookworm and so you can always find me at bookstores and now at Book sale!! They have cheap books, because they are used anyway but it doesn't matter right? It's like sharing your blessing to others since you already finished reading your book. But me, no. I'm not going to give out or sell the books I finished reading. I let my siblings and friends borrow it though.

Because everytime I get to open a page of a read book, it always bring me to a new high or a new level of enthusiasm, excitement and learning. Do you ever have the feeling of, you know when you finish reading a great book, suddenly you'll realize that you didn't really understand what you read or most of what you read if not all? Well, it happens to me sometimes, that's why whenever I feel like reading it again I freely do so. 

Coz, I want to absorb as much as I can, and I can only do that if I understand fully the contents of the book. It also goes well with my writing, I have to read to learn and widen my wisdom of how, why and what things are like from them to my own perspective to be written down as fact not just by my own. Understand to interpret. Clear and understood by a lot of people.

That's why I love Bob Ong so much. His humour and intelligence brings out something to the readers, thought provoking and awakening. I almost gave up writing to be honest, since my last meaningful Rizal subject with Mr. Deleon in UPHS who left me with a quote from Rizal himself. "I shall pass this road only but once, so whatever good I can do with my fellowmen; let me do it now. For I shall not pass this road again." 

Noble right? But I got his point. I can't study what I want anymore when I'm 50 years old, yes,I could be rich if I took up Nursing today. But how about with my hands shaking or my eyes blurred? Nah. By that time I am teaching and sharing what I have with the new generation, by that time I am already a respected, award-winning(woohoo!) writer, got my degree in AdMU AB Creative Writing, and finished my MA in UPD. No time wasted. And yeah, contented and happy.

The message is simple. I know it's quite far from what suppose to be said from the blog title, I know it's getting a little boring too, if you are the….. but I want everyone to know that Money can't buy your happiness, if you're not happy with what you're doing. Then stop, give yourself a break. Inhale, exhale then think. Would you rather be filthyyyy rich but not happy, anxious or living a simple life, not too much of a salary but enough to feed your children (think 10 years from now) or to take your gf out to dinner, buy few clothes and things you need, happy, contented and peaceful.

 The thought just came into me when I heard of the NCAE for highschool students, its late, right. But life is what you make. Do or don't make it well, it's your lost. At the end it wll be you, sitting at the porch in your rocking chair, thinking of what could've been if you followed your heart. I learned from it, that's why I dont let anyone affect my decisions in life. It has always been me and God. 

Now, I'm happy, contented and peaceful with the life that I choose. The course that I chose, the life I wanted eversince. 

Pencil

Hmmn.. I always want to draw( besides writng) I admit Im not very good at it, but I enjoy playing with my pencil/ballpen drawing anything that I feel like. And most of my drawings are girls, pretty girls. Like I said, I'm not as good as those who really "draw" and Im proud of the work of my hands.

Here's my work named Kate.

Isn't she pretty?

I know there's a lot of flaws.  Uneven eye, lips, earings.. The list goes on and on but hey, I like it. Someday I'll have formal lessons in drawing, (Nah.lol) I like writing better, and I think I'll leave this complicated world of art to the beloved artists whom I admire so much.

Off Topic-

I watched 64th Annual Golden Globe Awards. And I wonder how it feels like to be up there, being recognized by both board and critics. "…And the Golden Globe Award for best Screenplay goes to…" Mary Deleon. Im not even sure if that's the right award for me..lol

Anyway, they were all glamorous and stunning. I love the exquisite beauty of Merryl Steep, who looks elegant in off shoulder dress. All those old artists look great in their own gowns. Penelope Cruz is just so pretty. I like them all. Clint Eastwood is still handsome.

Sometimes its nice to just lay back and daydream. Thinking of what it feels like to be where you want to be and be the person God wants you to be. It's good refreshing your mind and forget about everything, just relax, It keeps me going, motivated and focused to my goal, it makes me forget of all the delays and hang ups in my journey. And I think that's the reason why I'm still here, typing.lol

I'll get back later.

yipee!

The exam is over, and I found it unbelievably easy, even the math part that was suppose to make my head ache everytime I force myself to think about the answers are all easy. I finished all the exam parts ahead of time except with reading comprehension that consist of 5 essays that needs to be read in order to answer five question per essay, I had fun with that part. And of course the essay writing itself.

Im not saying this because I want to brag that I dont even had a sweat while taking that exam, but I want to take this opportunity to thank God for giving me knowledge and wisdom,  peace, strength and presence of mind. I couldn't have gone this far if not because of Him, and I cant help myself but to Praise God before and after the exam, coz everything was provided from the moment I left our house up to now that I'm here. 

Again, He proved to me that in everything I ask in prayer just believe that I already recieve it through Christ Jesus, then I will. So now, even if the results are far from m sight. I can say I got my scholarship. Thanks to God.

I went home to my family, bringing them stories, laughed with them, helped my 14 y.o. sister with her small goodie business that my brother munch everytime she lost sight of her paninda . haha.. It was fun.. picture taking with them, my brother put something on his teeth(chocolate and nuts) and this is how it turned out.

lol. My brother with his D.I.Y. prosthetics.haha…

A poem

Reflections

I noticed that I get to reflect with the things I've said and done when I'm at the bathroom(dont ask what Im doing there), I'm looking at myself in the mirror, when it's dark and the skies are filled with stars, when I'm alone which is already a habit, when I'm washing dishes and when Im lying on my bed, staring blankly on the wall and when I finished reading my bible.

And amazingly, after each of those reflective moment I always learn few or a lot of things about myself. The picture is getting clearer and clearer everytime I do it. That made me love solitary confinement. The good part about it is that I'm knowing myself everyday but departing myself from people. I'm almost an autistic I think I always been one.lol

I love being alone, with just my pen/pencil, notebook, laptop, books, I'm cool with that. But I also love being sorrounded by friends and my loved ones coz they make me feel normal, whenever I feel the need to be assured that I am still a normal person. 

I remember when we are on our way to PGH, my brother, mom and I are talking about our(me&bro's) past relationship that lead to my beloved cousins' relationship, no offense it just pass through our minds. Because of my brother's failing relationship with his wife, my favorite cousins' dilemma with his husband and my dad always saying, "Mararanasan niyo rin lahat ito pag nagka pamilya na kayo" scared me, and I found myself not wanting to get married. 

I told mom, "Kaya ako, di ako magaasawa eh." and she was like, "Wag naman anak."  I don't know what came into my mind, since I live to love. Then one day, I just realized that I don't want to get married. If I want to have a child, prefferably when I turn 26 or 27, I'm sure there are still nice men by that time that doesn't want any responsibilty with me and my child. 

Life is tough so I don't blame those kind of men who doesn't like responsibility, I don't blame them if they don't have balls to chew in case of emergency. After laying on someone else's bed. (oopps, sorry about that) But good for me, coz I dont need them. All I want is a child, so I can pass the beautiful genes of mine to the next generation.lol 

And that would be enough for me to go on in this life, btw this isn't my permanent home, my address is in heaven. That thought always left  me smiling. Imagine a life without pain, hurt, poverty, etc. I would spend my  immortal life just praising the Lord, have fun with my family and friends there, so I'm not thinking of anything about this world. Coz I'm looking forward for a lot more better place to live in the future.

But, I'm not closing myself to anyone just because of my fear. I'm always wiling to risk, and try something new. So why not try loving right? In God's time, I believe that there will come a man that will fill me up, make me feel secured, will pass through a series of my meticulous test, (please bring a resume, call me for more details[just kidding]) and of course, I believe that God has stored someone for me, and even if he's not around yet. I know he will come my way. 

I'll save the best for last. 

What a feeling!

One of my favorite Christian songs is Believe by Hillsong United. And here's the bridge part.

I’m not satisfied doing it my own way

I’m not satisfied to do church and walk away

I’m not satisfied there’s no love in my life but You

I’m not satisfied living in yesterday’s hour

I’m not satisfied to have the form but not the power

I’m not satisfied, Lord I am crucified in You

 Its so.. me. Some people think Im perfect. Well, Im not. I didnt put the whole song coz the first part is. "I say on Sunday how much I want revival, but then on monday I cant even find my bible." Coz, it isnt true, my bible is on my side, everyday. I open and read every night and am trying to make it a habit to read and meditate on it night and day, Coz, that's practically, my map. I dont want to get lost. That's why I dont wanna lose it.

That "Im not satisfied" part.. Reminds me a lot of things. That things shouldn't happen the way I want it to be, but it should be what God wants it to be. And that He's the only love of my life. Since, I dont have anyone special here, yet. And even if I do so, Jesus would still be my first love. That life, isn't about what you left behind, but it's for today that will make tomorrow better. Living in yesterday will leave you stagnant and moving on will be the best solution, of course with the help of God.

Not just having the form, but the power.. power that will come from God alone. And to tell myself that I am crucified in Him. Everything else in this world doesnt matter anymore. Because I am with Jesus.

 And this is the other one of my favorites..

I Simply Live For You

Say the word and I will sing for You

Over oceans deep, I will follow

If each star was a song

And every breath of wind, praise

It would still fail by far to say 

All my heart contains

I simply live, I simply live for You

Chorus:As the glory of Your presence 

Now fills this place

In worship, we will meet You face to face

There is nothing in this world 

To which You can be compared

Glory on glory, praise upon praise

You bind the broken hearted 

And save all my tears

By Your word, You set the captives free

There is nothing in this world 

That You cannot do

I simply live, I simply live for You

That song never failed to make me cry everytime I sing it, I feel fully surrendered to God. and that's how I always want to feel. I simply live for Jesus.

Pretty obvious eh? I am part of the music ministry. And I always pray to God, that I will be consistent with it. I love to sing for the Lord.