Reflections

Friday, January 12, 2007

I noticed that I get to reflect with the things I've said and done when I'm at the bathroom(dont ask what Im doing there), I'm looking at myself in the mirror, when it's dark and the skies are filled with stars, when I'm alone which is already a habit, when I'm washing dishes and when Im lying on my bed, staring blankly on the wall and when I finished reading my bible.

And amazingly, after each of those reflective moment I always learn few or a lot of things about myself. The picture is getting clearer and clearer everytime I do it. That made me love solitary confinement. The good part about it is that I'm knowing myself everyday but departing myself from people. I'm almost an autistic I think I always been one.lol

I love being alone, with just my pen/pencil, notebook, laptop, books, I'm cool with that. But I also love being sorrounded by friends and my loved ones coz they make me feel normal, whenever I feel the need to be assured that I am still a normal person. 

I remember when we are on our way to PGH, my brother, mom and I are talking about our(me&bro's) past relationship that lead to my beloved cousins' relationship, no offense it just pass through our minds. Because of my brother's failing relationship with his wife, my favorite cousins' dilemma with his husband and my dad always saying, "Mararanasan niyo rin lahat ito pag nagka pamilya na kayo" scared me, and I found myself not wanting to get married. 

I told mom, "Kaya ako, di ako magaasawa eh." and she was like, "Wag naman anak."  I don't know what came into my mind, since I live to love. Then one day, I just realized that I don't want to get married. If I want to have a child, prefferably when I turn 26 or 27, I'm sure there are still nice men by that time that doesn't want any responsibilty with me and my child. 

Life is tough so I don't blame those kind of men who doesn't like responsibility, I don't blame them if they don't have balls to chew in case of emergency. After laying on someone else's bed. (oopps, sorry about that) But good for me, coz I dont need them. All I want is a child, so I can pass the beautiful genes of mine to the next generation.lol 

And that would be enough for me to go on in this life, btw this isn't my permanent home, my address is in heaven. That thought always left  me smiling. Imagine a life without pain, hurt, poverty, etc. I would spend my  immortal life just praising the Lord, have fun with my family and friends there, so I'm not thinking of anything about this world. Coz I'm looking forward for a lot more better place to live in the future.

But, I'm not closing myself to anyone just because of my fear. I'm always wiling to risk, and try something new. So why not try loving right? In God's time, I believe that there will come a man that will fill me up, make me feel secured, will pass through a series of my meticulous test, (please bring a resume, call me for more details[just kidding]) and of course, I believe that God has stored someone for me, and even if he's not around yet. I know he will come my way. 

I'll save the best for last.