wiggle.

I would try to make this simple, short and less complicated. No more long, hanging words and I will stop beating around the bush. But before I start telling you about myself, I must warn you to brace yourself and hold on to your seats, or mouse or your computer coz this is gonna be a wild river ride.

Welcome to my page.

Alright, I introduce myself to you guys. I am Mary Edeza de Leon and please remind me that you saw my full name here at my blog in case I asked you "How'd you know my name?"haha.

I am an artist by heart and I probably dont take up BFA Creative Writing and expect to have a great paycheck someday but I am sure that each and every work of my hands has a piece of my heart and I am completely happy and contented with it. So by now, Im sure you think I only have a tiny piece of heart left but no, I never run out of heart when it comes to my work. I made that sure.

Some people say Im boring, because I spend most of my time reading and writing or drawing or dancing(joke) or blogging or any activity that doesnt require companion. But Im not anti social, I love being around with people I love. Or even the people I dont know, you know in the malls. Still, if I can do things on my own I'd go alone.

My solitude brings out the best in me, people may not or never understand that but thats how it goes. Thats how my life goes. I may never get to have a boyfriend anytime in the future but who cares? Im not bothered, so why would them? It's really funny when people ask me if I have a boyfriend and I would answer them with a "Nah, I dont have a boyfriend." They'd be shocked like Oh my gosh! How come? and I was like Oh my gosh!!(in a much exagerrated voice) why is that a crime?

Dont I have the right to choose not to have a boyfriend. And does that issue important enough to be noticed? I mean, what does it had to do with them? "You have the looks and the body, so how come?" Exactly, I have the beauty and the body(Im not boasting) but hey, I also have the brains!! How come some people dont notice that? That make me sick.

I want to be loved because of my personality and not because of my looks. I want to be loved in the morning not just at night. Not just when I look pretty but even when I look wasted. But nah, it isnt important right now anyway. I will meet my man in the future, I bet He's great coz God chose him for me.

My family, is my first priority. Nothing and no one can change that. We've been through a lot, we made each other strong and I, personally get my strength from them. They are my inspiration and motivation. My love for them compensate my parents shortcomings and I will always be proud of them. Time will come and all these trials will end. And we will still be together, even when Im not at home.

 I said on the first paragraph that I'll stop beating around the bush, but I just cant go straight to the point thats my problem. I love making love with my words. It causes me a lot of trouble specially with ex-boyfriends..

This is it for now. Know more of me next time. 

My Spiritual Family :)

Kuya Japhet. Me. Mareng Eva.

Me and Mareng Eva

Mareng Eva and me ulit pacute

Ate Malou. Carlito. Ako.

Sam. Ate Sol. Me. Carlito. Ate Malou

Me. Ate Grace.

Kuya Renz, annointed speaker. Ate malou.

Me, kuya Nol!:) And mareng eva. Mare and I love kuya Nol so much. God is revealing His plans to us sometimes through Kuya Nol, our youth Pastor. Our motivator and adviser.

hayy… Mahal na mahal ko talaga sila.. Parang tunay na pamilya, sobrang fun nila kasama. Makes me reminded of God's plan and will for me. Kaya gusto ko laging linggo eh. Bukod sa nakakasama ko yung biological Family ko pati sila nakaka-fellowship ko. We get strength from each other.

Kaya naman wag ng magtaka ang iba kung bakit ala akong fafaness kasi, kumpleto na ang buhay ko dahil sa kanilang lahat. Kumpleto pero di perpekto. Im satisfied and contented. At least for now.hehe.. tama lang kasi bata pa naman ako.. Sana bukas linggo ulit!hehe..

Book Sale

Im a bookworm and so you can always find me at bookstores and now at Book sale!! They have cheap books, because they are used anyway but it doesn't matter right? It's like sharing your blessing to others since you already finished reading your book. But me, no. I'm not going to give out or sell the books I finished reading. I let my siblings and friends borrow it though.

Because everytime I get to open a page of a read book, it always bring me to a new high or a new level of enthusiasm, excitement and learning. Do you ever have the feeling of, you know when you finish reading a great book, suddenly you'll realize that you didn't really understand what you read or most of what you read if not all? Well, it happens to me sometimes, that's why whenever I feel like reading it again I freely do so. 

Coz, I want to absorb as much as I can, and I can only do that if I understand fully the contents of the book. It also goes well with my writing, I have to read to learn and widen my wisdom of how, why and what things are like from them to my own perspective to be written down as fact not just by my own. Understand to interpret. Clear and understood by a lot of people.

That's why I love Bob Ong so much. His humour and intelligence brings out something to the readers, thought provoking and awakening. I almost gave up writing to be honest, since my last meaningful Rizal subject with Mr. Deleon in UPHS who left me with a quote from Rizal himself. "I shall pass this road only but once, so whatever good I can do with my fellowmen; let me do it now. For I shall not pass this road again." 

Noble right? But I got his point. I can't study what I want anymore when I'm 50 years old, yes,I could be rich if I took up Nursing today. But how about with my hands shaking or my eyes blurred? Nah. By that time I am teaching and sharing what I have with the new generation, by that time I am already a respected, award-winning(woohoo!) writer, got my degree in AdMU AB Creative Writing, and finished my MA in UPD. No time wasted. And yeah, contented and happy.

The message is simple. I know it's quite far from what suppose to be said from the blog title, I know it's getting a little boring too, if you are the….. but I want everyone to know that Money can't buy your happiness, if you're not happy with what you're doing. Then stop, give yourself a break. Inhale, exhale then think. Would you rather be filthyyyy rich but not happy, anxious or living a simple life, not too much of a salary but enough to feed your children (think 10 years from now) or to take your gf out to dinner, buy few clothes and things you need, happy, contented and peaceful.

 The thought just came into me when I heard of the NCAE for highschool students, its late, right. But life is what you make. Do or don't make it well, it's your lost. At the end it wll be you, sitting at the porch in your rocking chair, thinking of what could've been if you followed your heart. I learned from it, that's why I dont let anyone affect my decisions in life. It has always been me and God. 

Now, I'm happy, contented and peaceful with the life that I choose. The course that I chose, the life I wanted eversince. 

Pencil

Hmmn.. I always want to draw( besides writng) I admit Im not very good at it, but I enjoy playing with my pencil/ballpen drawing anything that I feel like. And most of my drawings are girls, pretty girls. Like I said, I'm not as good as those who really "draw" and Im proud of the work of my hands.

Here's my work named Kate.

Isn't she pretty?

I know there's a lot of flaws.  Uneven eye, lips, earings.. The list goes on and on but hey, I like it. Someday I'll have formal lessons in drawing, (Nah.lol) I like writing better, and I think I'll leave this complicated world of art to the beloved artists whom I admire so much.

Off Topic-

I watched 64th Annual Golden Globe Awards. And I wonder how it feels like to be up there, being recognized by both board and critics. "…And the Golden Globe Award for best Screenplay goes to…" Mary Deleon. Im not even sure if that's the right award for me..lol

Anyway, they were all glamorous and stunning. I love the exquisite beauty of Merryl Steep, who looks elegant in off shoulder dress. All those old artists look great in their own gowns. Penelope Cruz is just so pretty. I like them all. Clint Eastwood is still handsome.

Sometimes its nice to just lay back and daydream. Thinking of what it feels like to be where you want to be and be the person God wants you to be. It's good refreshing your mind and forget about everything, just relax, It keeps me going, motivated and focused to my goal, it makes me forget of all the delays and hang ups in my journey. And I think that's the reason why I'm still here, typing.lol

I'll get back later.

yipee!

The exam is over, and I found it unbelievably easy, even the math part that was suppose to make my head ache everytime I force myself to think about the answers are all easy. I finished all the exam parts ahead of time except with reading comprehension that consist of 5 essays that needs to be read in order to answer five question per essay, I had fun with that part. And of course the essay writing itself.

Im not saying this because I want to brag that I dont even had a sweat while taking that exam, but I want to take this opportunity to thank God for giving me knowledge and wisdom,  peace, strength and presence of mind. I couldn't have gone this far if not because of Him, and I cant help myself but to Praise God before and after the exam, coz everything was provided from the moment I left our house up to now that I'm here. 

Again, He proved to me that in everything I ask in prayer just believe that I already recieve it through Christ Jesus, then I will. So now, even if the results are far from m sight. I can say I got my scholarship. Thanks to God.

I went home to my family, bringing them stories, laughed with them, helped my 14 y.o. sister with her small goodie business that my brother munch everytime she lost sight of her paninda . haha.. It was fun.. picture taking with them, my brother put something on his teeth(chocolate and nuts) and this is how it turned out.

lol. My brother with his D.I.Y. prosthetics.haha…

A poem

Reflections

I noticed that I get to reflect with the things I've said and done when I'm at the bathroom(dont ask what Im doing there), I'm looking at myself in the mirror, when it's dark and the skies are filled with stars, when I'm alone which is already a habit, when I'm washing dishes and when Im lying on my bed, staring blankly on the wall and when I finished reading my bible.

And amazingly, after each of those reflective moment I always learn few or a lot of things about myself. The picture is getting clearer and clearer everytime I do it. That made me love solitary confinement. The good part about it is that I'm knowing myself everyday but departing myself from people. I'm almost an autistic I think I always been one.lol

I love being alone, with just my pen/pencil, notebook, laptop, books, I'm cool with that. But I also love being sorrounded by friends and my loved ones coz they make me feel normal, whenever I feel the need to be assured that I am still a normal person. 

I remember when we are on our way to PGH, my brother, mom and I are talking about our(me&bro's) past relationship that lead to my beloved cousins' relationship, no offense it just pass through our minds. Because of my brother's failing relationship with his wife, my favorite cousins' dilemma with his husband and my dad always saying, "Mararanasan niyo rin lahat ito pag nagka pamilya na kayo" scared me, and I found myself not wanting to get married. 

I told mom, "Kaya ako, di ako magaasawa eh." and she was like, "Wag naman anak."  I don't know what came into my mind, since I live to love. Then one day, I just realized that I don't want to get married. If I want to have a child, prefferably when I turn 26 or 27, I'm sure there are still nice men by that time that doesn't want any responsibilty with me and my child. 

Life is tough so I don't blame those kind of men who doesn't like responsibility, I don't blame them if they don't have balls to chew in case of emergency. After laying on someone else's bed. (oopps, sorry about that) But good for me, coz I dont need them. All I want is a child, so I can pass the beautiful genes of mine to the next generation.lol 

And that would be enough for me to go on in this life, btw this isn't my permanent home, my address is in heaven. That thought always left  me smiling. Imagine a life without pain, hurt, poverty, etc. I would spend my  immortal life just praising the Lord, have fun with my family and friends there, so I'm not thinking of anything about this world. Coz I'm looking forward for a lot more better place to live in the future.

But, I'm not closing myself to anyone just because of my fear. I'm always wiling to risk, and try something new. So why not try loving right? In God's time, I believe that there will come a man that will fill me up, make me feel secured, will pass through a series of my meticulous test, (please bring a resume, call me for more details[just kidding]) and of course, I believe that God has stored someone for me, and even if he's not around yet. I know he will come my way. 

I'll save the best for last. 

What a feeling!

One of my favorite Christian songs is Believe by Hillsong United. And here's the bridge part.

I’m not satisfied doing it my own way

I’m not satisfied to do church and walk away

I’m not satisfied there’s no love in my life but You

I’m not satisfied living in yesterday’s hour

I’m not satisfied to have the form but not the power

I’m not satisfied, Lord I am crucified in You

 Its so.. me. Some people think Im perfect. Well, Im not. I didnt put the whole song coz the first part is. "I say on Sunday how much I want revival, but then on monday I cant even find my bible." Coz, it isnt true, my bible is on my side, everyday. I open and read every night and am trying to make it a habit to read and meditate on it night and day, Coz, that's practically, my map. I dont want to get lost. That's why I dont wanna lose it.

That "Im not satisfied" part.. Reminds me a lot of things. That things shouldn't happen the way I want it to be, but it should be what God wants it to be. And that He's the only love of my life. Since, I dont have anyone special here, yet. And even if I do so, Jesus would still be my first love. That life, isn't about what you left behind, but it's for today that will make tomorrow better. Living in yesterday will leave you stagnant and moving on will be the best solution, of course with the help of God.

Not just having the form, but the power.. power that will come from God alone. And to tell myself that I am crucified in Him. Everything else in this world doesnt matter anymore. Because I am with Jesus.

 And this is the other one of my favorites..

I Simply Live For You

Say the word and I will sing for You

Over oceans deep, I will follow

If each star was a song

And every breath of wind, praise

It would still fail by far to say 

All my heart contains

I simply live, I simply live for You

Chorus:As the glory of Your presence 

Now fills this place

In worship, we will meet You face to face

There is nothing in this world 

To which You can be compared

Glory on glory, praise upon praise

You bind the broken hearted 

And save all my tears

By Your word, You set the captives free

There is nothing in this world 

That You cannot do

I simply live, I simply live for You

That song never failed to make me cry everytime I sing it, I feel fully surrendered to God. and that's how I always want to feel. I simply live for Jesus.

Pretty obvious eh? I am part of the music ministry. And I always pray to God, that I will be consistent with it. I love to sing for the Lord.

Inspiration

Living in blurredness and never in clarity. That's the life I had before I met Jesus. Before I made Him the Center of my life. Before I devout myself wholly to Him. Whenever I look back and see life from the way it was when I was a kid, then a striving adolescent, to my puberty, I can say I am a good child of my parents. I always do what they want. But still it left me thinking I am nothing. That I am someone with no identity.

Following Christ is much different from that, its like living the life you always wanted, being what you really are, doing what you love, knowing yourself, but definitely not thinking it is forced. God proved me that if I delight myself in Him, He will give me the desires of my heart. And so He did, He's really true to His promises. He dwell in me richly, not just financially speaking, but by giving me the best of what this world could offer, by giving me the best people, family and friends..

Sure, they were never perfect, no one does and will anyway, but I am so amazed on how God put them strategically in my life to make me a better person, a better Christian, that is looking far behind on the old me, but have no plans of going back.. I learned from it, and that's enough. All of these privilleges, are acquired only when I followed Jesus. He's alive, and He's faithful. 

How many times do I fail Him? Many times, I dont almost dare to count. How many times does He fail me? None. I proved that delay doesnt mean, God failed to come through, it means testing your patience in waiting for His right time. God's time where everything goes well according to what is planned. Time, where nothing would come my way, because I have Him, Jesus. The Best thing that ever happened to me. Knowing and growing with HIm.

 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

THE POWER OF PRAYER 

I am wonderfully amazed, I always am. On how God speak to me, on how He gives me directions, encouragement, motivation or on how He simply communicate with me that is through one of His servants, It seems as if, He's speaking directly to me, although our pastor is speaking in general.

Today's message is just what I needed, The Power of Prayer, a prayer that is answered and will get me through whatever circumstances I am facing. The message, is like God saying to me, "Child, everything's gonna be alright, cast all your cares on me. I will help you through." while stroking my head, while I'm at His feet. 

I came at church feeling so dry and empty, and I told myself "I will not get out of Your House Lord, empty handed but my heart will be full of blessings from you." And because God never fails, from the Praise, that suppose to be joyful left me crying because of its message that spoke right through my heart. When it came to the Worship part, I couldnt almost sing, coz I'm crying. Crying to God, speaking to Him, feeling His presence so near I can almost feel His embrace..

Because God is great. I believe and claiming right now, His promise. My prayer that my plans, be His plans, my will, be His will. That He make me the person He wants me to be, and where He wants me to be. I believe that nothing could come my way, coz He said to His words, "If I am with you, who can be against you?" See? That's why I praise God for everything He has given and will give in the future.

For all His plans that were all good, there's nothing more I can ask for.

This year, I also pray that I'll be more consistent with my ministry, to be more commited with it, and to be more fruitful and productive, by sharing His words, His love, to anyone I'll meet in the future. May God help me with that.

Correction

and yeah, because of the MISUNDERSTANDING i feel the need of continuing this entry, quickly, alright. 

First, I want everyone to know that what I'm finding is a character for my novel. A CHARACTER, imaginary character. Im putting myself in the situation wherein I am, the one in the novel. Im a writer, eh'?? Comments are good but hey. Listen to me first. That's why the title of the post is CHARACTERIZATION. 

Im currently, finishing a novel that was suppose to be my entry for my scholarship and CHAR I is a part of it. Im trying to describe my characters the way the narrator sees it. And Im trying to make this blog my threadmill in doing my novel and all my work. 

Again, Im making this clear. I am single. Im meeting great people and that's enough for me right now. Coz, I just proved something from guys, I cant trust them coz they dont trust me either. And the more that Im trying to make something good out of all the situation, its just getting worse, I am misunderstood.. Im really busy for now, my exam is a week away. Im still kinda worried(or not) for my math. 

And this blog is my rest. My break. My brain is bleeding. Now I dont want to talk to anybody. Not even me. Im closing my lips tightly. Im not used of explaining myself to anyone really, but now Im doing it, I dont know why. I told myself before, why would I explain myself if I know Im not doing anything wrong? Well I guess, yeah, the reality that people aren't really the same as well as their thinking, and that I need to do some explaining(bot not quite) to someone. 

I guess I'm growing. That's it. Doing things Im not used to is of course, new to me. 

I am a writer, and Im glad, people have different interpretation on my writings, the only mistake I made is that I didnt put "PROLOGUE" or "Hey, this is fiction guys, all the characters in this entry is just an imagination of the author every person who are in anyway the same with the person in this entry is just a coincidence" Oh yeah, a mistake a writer shouldn't make. 

But hey, I have a lot of entry that probably is not me in reality, they were all produced by my mind. I posted in EManila, timog,  pinoypoets, and my blogs, but I didnt get any wild reaction as that. 

A week from now is the exam that will change my life forever. Do you think I'll be messing around and waste my time chatting??? Yes, If Im not serious about my scholarship. But I am. That's why Im very busy. I have trouble with this math thing I hate it, right? and if I will not take the time to be serious with it, I'm dead. And my ym isn't even open! 

I opened it  today, anyway and "Goodmorning!" A message from someone awakened my sleepy mind. I said, what the? But then I understand why he talked that way. Because he didn't know. I hope this entry will clear this up. I said too much, and Im not gonna repeat my explaination to anyone. Im pissed too, see? Im sorry if Im not good at explaining.

I guess, I have my characters done. Although, there was suppose to be a continuation of that entry, where I'll put the rest part of my novel, of my charcter profiles. I'll do it next time.

_______________Another part of my novel__________________ 

 "Why, we had something special don't we? But then you didnt tell me about it." Said he.

"Tell you about what? Open up, if you're like that in the beginning, how are we gonna make this thing up to the end?" the girl replied.

"About why you're not talking to me in the last few days. Or week and yeah, its a month already, if I truly count it."

"You didnt know?? Im a away, Im finding myself, coz lately I think I've been driven by you, it seems like I absorbed all the experiences you had. And I dont know who I am anymore!"

"But why didnt you tell me?" he whisphered.

"Coz, I dont want to. You're getting your strength from me, and I dont want to dissapoint you. Im falling out of love with you." 

The guy stood in silence. Never wanting to utter a word, never wanting to let the girl of his dreams slip away in his hand, in his life with just a few impulsive words.  Carefully, he turned around, look at the sky, a tear fell into his eyes. He looked again with his girl, and he remembered everything they had and how she change him and brought him back to life. 

He reached for her cold, weak hand. Hold it like it was the first time he did it, and it feels the same. He embraced her, put her in his arms, closed his eyes, wishing all of these are just a dream, and it will end in the morning. Everything will be back to normal. He love her, and she loves him too.

He took her home, gave her a kiss. He saw something in her eyes, he's about to ask but then he chose not to, she needs time, she needs space, he thought. He go back home, bothered, bothered with what he saw in her eyes. It was different. That made him sleepless, and always have the urge to pick up the phone and call her.

He woke up with the phone ringing.

"Our daughter died, in her sleep. Why didnt you tell us she has a cancer and she's dying? Why!?" the girls mother said in between cries.

He, on the other side of the line couldn't speak. Open-mouth, mind blank, he couldnt think. Is this for real? Does anyone care enough to even wake me up with this nightmare? God please.

But when he got to the girl's house, it was real. She's dead. The girl of his dreams. The girls mother handed him a letter. There she said:

"Im sorry if I didnt tell you or anyone about it. Im dying and it hurts me to know Im gonna leave you with nothing. I love you so much and I hope you know that. Every chemotherapy I  gone through is just too painful, but Im thinking of you, and mom, you are my strength, thats the truth and not the other way around. I love you so much…

He couldn't continue reading as tears block his eyes completely.